I Use People Sometimes

I use people sometimes like a dirty rag. I didn't realize consciously it was happening. I thought the path of destruction left in my wake was other “unhealthy” people’s issues. I was the naïve ostrich with my head in the ground and my full body of destructive patterns visible to the world.

As a single 32 year old, I was frequently reaching out to make new friends. I thought my friendships weren't fulfilling enough and that I needed more “better and close” friends. The reality was, my bucket of friends and close friendships was overflowing with AMAZING people. It’s my bucket of companionship that was dry. 

No matter how many best friendships I develop, they will NEVER fulfill the desire for companionship; the companionship of another person for you to claim them as yours and them to claim you as theirs. The companionship of a good and healthy marriage.

Instead of subconsciously emotionally raping individuals in my quest to feel what many people feel in a healthy marriage, I need to take it to God. Best friends won’t solve it. Hobbies can’t fix it. But God perfectly understands it. I need to take to Him the loneliness, the frustration, the sadness, and the unfilled desire to be emotionally and physically intimate with another. It's hard admitting my embarrassing past behavior. But the knowledge and wisdom gained from that past is so empowering.